PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We need to get me chipped asap
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
