party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
