I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
