life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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