I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
