i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
