i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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