Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
