so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
