now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
