my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
