I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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