its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
