Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it's great music for shaving your balls
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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