My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
