Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
