Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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