I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
