i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
