Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
