Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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