I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize