I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
