so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
