if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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