I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize