So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
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