when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
