I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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