I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Little spoons don't ask big questions
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
