I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
that may or may not have been my penis.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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