Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
