we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
we're so committed to being not committed
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
