Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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