just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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