Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
