I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
