You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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