Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
