you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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