Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
