How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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