My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize