i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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