I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
