You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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