She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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