Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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