You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
