I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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