If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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