Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
