Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
