I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
