everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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