i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just googled if crying burns calories
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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