Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
